I'm Never Going to Get Married or Live up to People's Expectations

It just seems like my whole life has to revolve around marriage. I want to get married but sometimes I think why bother? Ill never find the right guy, and no one will like me. I just want to die sometimes, because no matter how hard I try to be a good muslim, I never succeed and Ill never get married, so Ill never live up to my family's and society's expectations, so why not just die or go somewhere far away and be by myself forever.

Bismillah,

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu, my dear sister.

It sounds like you are going through a rough time and need a breather from life. Sometimes life throws us lemons, and the only thing we can do is add some sugar, some ice, and a pink straw and make lemonade out of it! You know sis, I actually understand how you feel because I’ve been through very similar thoughts and feelings that you are currently experiencing! Sometimes the hardest struggles are not physical but emotional, and the only way we can get through them is with the help of Allah, and also the support from our fellow sisters! I also want you to know, that you are not alone even when you are feeling at your all time low, Allah is All-Seeing, All-Hearing, All-Knowing. We all need to remember our Lord during times of ease and times of distress and know that He is the only One who can get us through our struggles, because He is the One who has decreed everything for us in the first place. 

I want to share with you a little bit about myself only to help you see something my dear sister. You see, when I was going through all of these emotional sufferings, I didn't have Islam. I was lost, confused, and felt like I had no purpose in life. I didn't think I was ever good enough for anybody, especially myself. There was a point in my life where I was extremely depressed and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole and never come out. I resented the world, and I hated everyone, including myself. I was overweight and teased by friends and family. I will never forget the words “you better lose weight or else no man will marry a fat girl like you!” These words coming from my very own family were the same words that lead me to an eating disorder and a low self-esteem that still haunts me from time to time. I never thought I would succeed in life and I thought very lowly of myself, to the point I wanted to commit suicide. But by the Mercy and Blessings of Allah, He guided me to Islam, and I was able to find light in all the darkness I was in. Just imagine, not being able to pray during times of distress, not being able to connect with my Creator when I was feeling low and depressed, and not being able to read the Wise words of our Lord during times of loneliness. I was fighting the battle alone because I didn't have Islam. Imagine trying to seek peace and serenity in your heart, but not knowing how to find it? But realizing that only such peace and serenity can be found only in Islam is truly the biggest blessing we can have.

So why am I telling you this? Sis, don't ever think about crawling in a hole and just dying. Instead, my dear sis, remember the beautiful blessings that Allah has indeed blessed you with. Just being able to wake up and see the sun, being able to walk and talk with ease, being able to eat and breathe without and machines hooked up to us! The list of blessing go on, though we may not realize them, but every minute we are awake and sleeping is a blessing from Allah. Often we count other’s blessings and forget to count our own!  You look at someone else married and imagine their life is perfect...but who told you that? How can you be so sure? Everyone has some blessing...something to be grateful for.

And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (16: 18)

Remember these blessings and remember your Merciful Lord, Allah!

“Truly, it is by the Remembrance of Allah that hearts find rest.” [Qur'an, Ar-Rad 13.28] 

and also remember, 

Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment (for the disbelievers, evil-doers), and (there is) Forgiveness from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the believers, good-doers), whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment.” ( Al-Hadid 57: 20)

Our lives should never revolve around anything except Allah and there is no exception that our life should ever revolve around a man. Marriage itself is meant to be a means to come closer to Allah. Our lives should only revolve around Qur’an and Sunnah and we must always remember the beautiful religion of Islam and the peace that it brings to one’s life. Nobody is perfect sis, and we all will never be the “ideal Muslimah” or the “perfect daughter". We are all works in progress and we have to just try our best each day :) That's all.

And the thing is, we will never be the most beautiful, skinny woman that the media wants us to be. You see, the media is nothing but one big stage, where everything is just for show, but once the curtains close, the real evils are exposed. Media feeds pollution to us and tells us what we need to be like, in order to “fit in” with society. But who are THEY to tell us who we should look like, act like, or even talk like? What makes those people qualified to tell us what our purpose is in life?  They were all equally created by the ONE TRUE CREATOR, ALLAH THE ALMIGHTY! Nobody in this world is better than another (except in piety). We were equally created with one purpose and that purpose is to worship Allah alone and associate no partners with him. Our purpose on this earth is to follow the path of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and to obey to his Sunnah and the commands of Allah. Sure, material wealth, social status may surpass one person above another, but remember, all these things will soon disappear and will their wealth or status be able to save them from the torments of the grave, or the Hellfire? We often forget sometimes and think that wealth, children, and marital status is something we must strive for in this dunya but the most important thing is being patient with whatever Allah has decreed for us and to remember that nothing belongs to Allah and that we will all return to Him in the end.

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return. They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e. blessings, etc.) (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones. " (2:155-157) 

So we must persevere and focus on what Allah wants for us, rather than what the creation wants from us. Just like an exam, we must spend lots of time studying and working hard to get a good grade, otherwise we could just be lazy and take the easy way out and fail. Similarly, life is full of easy things and difficult things and the easy things in this life are surrounded by the Hellfire, and the difficult things are surrounded by Paradise:

"The (Hell) Fire is surrounded by all kinds of desires and passions, while Paradise is surrounded by all kinds of disliked undesirable things."*[Sahih Al-Bukhari, 8/6487 (O.P.494)].

Getting married is important, however it should not be our number one priority in this life. Allah has a plan for all of us and has chosen a mate for us, if not in this dunya than in the Akhirah. We must always remember what is more important to us, the temporary? Or the eternal? As well, according to the four school of thoughts, the middle path is that, it is not obligatory to get married unless you feel that you can not suppress your sexual desires and fear of committing zina, than it is obligatory to hasten to get married. If this is not an issue to you, and you can lower your gaze, than continue to have patience and make duaa that Allah will bless you with a righteous husband (because it is Sunnah to get married). Many women are pressured by their families to get married while many women in fact are happy being unmarried, because it gives them more time to focus on themselves and their relationship with Allah. Marriage is something that can neither be rushed, nor forced but instead one must remain patient and steadfast relying only on Allah to help them with this issue. Perhaps it is not the right time for you to get married now and there is only kheyr in that as Allah says :

“it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good”[al-Nisa’ 4:19] 

We struggle with our deen, our families, and all the adornments of this world but we must fight the Shaitan and remember that nothing happens to us except with the decree of Allah. He is the One who created us, therefore He knows us better than ourselves :

“Allah does not burden any soul but to its capacity. For it is what it earns, and against it is what it does…” (2:286). 

Everything that happens in our lives, the good, the bad, it is all from our Lord, The Sustainer, “and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allaah knows but you do not know”[al-Baqarah 2:216].  

The only way to stay positive in all our affairs, is to remain patient. Patience is truly a difficult thing to practice but it gets easier once we establish our Salah (prayers) and turn to Allah. When we feel sad, or depressed, we often complain to our best friend or to our closest family member, but we should always remember that no human can change our situation except for the permission of Allah, so we should complain to the One who is the turner of hearts, the changer of all affairs, and remember Prophet Yaqub (aleyhi salam) said : "I only complain of my distraction and anguish to Allah." (Yusuf 12:86) who had lost his most beloved son Yusuf for fourty years, and instead of complaining to the creation and being angry, he turned to Allah and remained patient and humble, only asking Allah to help him.

I know dear sis, that it is only by our human nature to depend on the creation to help us during times of distress, but it is during these times, that Allah tests us and sees if we are loyal to Him. Ending your life is not the answer, as it will not solve anything either (especially in the akhirah!). The eternal ramifications of ending your own life is something that you will suffer through eternally in the Hellfire, is it worth it? 

If you ever feel sad, depressed, and alone remember:

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: I was riding behind the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) one day and he said: “O boy, I shall teach you some words. Be mindful Allaah and He will take care of you. Be mindful of Allaah and He will protect you. If you ask then ask of Allaah, and if you seek help then seek help from Allaah. Know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you in some way, they would not benefit you except in something that Allaah has decreed for you, and if they were to gather together to harm you in some way, they would not harm you except in something that Allaah has decreed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2516)

My dearest sis, you are not alone, for there are many women out there who are unmarried and happy. Here is something worth reading that may uplift your spirit insha’Allah:

“I have reached my forties and am not married, and I praise Allaah for everything that He has decreed for me. At first I felt sad and upset whenever I was alone, and I regretted my misfortune every time one of my friends got married. I did not have any conditions or specific characteristics in the man I wanted to marry; I was prepared to accept any righteous man. But years went by without this man coming to me. I began to withdraw from people so that I would not see their looks of pity but I could not escape them completely, because I would see them in the eyes of my parents and siblings who would pray for me every time they saw me. One day at the end of Sha’baan, as we were preparing for the blessed month of Ramadaan, Allaah guided me to keep a Mus-haf just for myself. I decided to read the whole Qur’aan and I found it very difficult to read it because I had stopped reading for the last ten years. I also found it difficult to understand some verses, so I bought a book of Tafseer (commentary) and I started to read it so that I could understand the verses of Qur'aan that I was reading. Ramadaan ended but my attachment to the Book of Allaah did not stop; I carried on reading the verses of Allaah and reading the commentary thereon. “Then came the day when I read the verse in Soorat al-Kahf (interpretation of the meaning): Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope [al-Kahf 18:46].  I wondered, what does the good righteous deeds that last’ mean? I found in the Tafseer that it refers to all righteous deeds. “I fell in love with righteous deeds such as prayer, fasting, charity, tasbeeh, tahmeed, tahleel and takbeer. Happiness began to fill my heart and I became content. I praised Allaah greatly for guiding me to this path and teaching me these things.” Sister Umm Yamaan adds:  “But this is not a call for monasticism (secluding oneself from society and devote themselves to solitude, prayer, contemplation), rather it is a call to accept the will and decree of Allaah.” (Ghayr Mutazawwajaat walakin Sa’eedaat (Unmarried but Happy) 1/4-7 by Muhammad Rasheed al-‘Uwayd.)

So you see, when we accept the will of Allah and count our own blessings rather than other people’s blessings, and when we aim to please the Creator rather than the creation (family, society etc) we will find a peace and tranquility in our hearts that can never be found in anything other than submitting through obedience to Allah, the Almighty. You will realize that all the other matters will become trivial and the main focus is being the weakest servant of Allah, and earning that beautiful home in Jannah. This worldly life is meant to deceive us and shaitan is always hard at work trying to throw us off the upright path of Allah. We must turn to Allah before we return to Allah, preparing for the Akhirah and for the trials of the grave, and we can only do this by seeking help in patience and prayer and always being grateful for the uncountable blessings that our Lord has bestowed upon us.

I want to recommend a beautiful book on patience and gratitude by the noble sheikh Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya,http://d1.islamhouse.com/data/en/ih_books/single/en_the_way_to_patience_and_gratitude.pdf. If you ever have those negative thoughts of sadness and depression, lock yourself up in your room, pray to Allah, and crawl into bed with a cup of tea (or juice) and enjoy this read. Insha’Allah you will feel better before you know it! Our iman is like the waves of the ocean, sometimes they are higher and sometimes lower, we must fight those waves and not let shaitan drown us, and come out strong and confident in our Lord! 

When you fix your relationship with Allah and live a well grounded life (volunteer somewhere, join a halaqah, give charity, go to the gym, take care of your body and soul), you'll find that you don't need a man to find a reason to live for.This is the only way to tackle the temporary, valueless world we live in. So persevere with courage and stay focused because Allah will never abandon His slaves to the shaitan if they are sincere in their cry for guidance! <3